I'll Be Home For Christmas...If I Make It Out of the PHL Airport

Last Thursday Jake and I tried to fly home standby on a flight. We didn't make it on, which would have been fine but we had to deal with some really idiotic people working for US Airways. We made it home on Friday (fortunately) but I wanted to share the entertaining hell we went through to make it back.

1. "I will freak out! Write that down on that note that 'I will freak out if you call my house.' My wife can't know what is in my luggage!! Someone is going to get fired..." - random man freaking out because US Airways lost his bag and apparently there was something in said bag that was not supposed to be found by his wife.

2. "I don't read...I can't read that." - US Airways counter clerk woman who refused to even look at my confirmation number printed out from an email.

3. "You have to get your refund by mail" - trying to get our money back for the standby ticket that we paid for with a debit card.

4. "You can get your refund at the ticketing counter" - what the US Airways baggage claim lady told us.

5. "They don't let us handle refunds here! You will have to call someone, here take this number [which turned out to be a FAX number!] - same counter lady that told me she doesn't read.

6. "Well I told that man, your husband or whoever, that there weren't any seats on the plane." - woman who sold us the tickets that she would not refund.

7. "I'm sorry ma'am but your bags are not in the computer system. They are probably in Minneapolis if that's where you were going, but I don't know for sure" - PHL baggage claim person.

United We Stand...

So last night history was made when Barack Obama was elected president of this great country. I, of course, was elated and still am but as I was saddened today by many of the non-supporter's comments and statuses on facebook. I know it's only facebook but I think that those comments and statuses filled with hatred, disdain, and hostility truly reflect how many people in this country feel right now. I want to gloat and rub this victory in all the haters' faces but that doesn't feel like the right thing to do. It is beyond frustrating how polarized our country is on many issues and now our president (as it seems it has been in the last few elections) with the country split in half on who they support. Why is it people are so uncomfortable with the grey areas and you must be in one box or the other? Why is it so hard to put aside some of our differences and work together to improve our country?

Now I would have been disappointed in many regards if McCain/Palin had won but instead of turning my back I would like to think I would have looked towards how to make the best of the situation. I would not have given up hope or thrown in the towel. No matter how deep my disappointment I do not think I would stoop so low as to wish death on the opponent. Sadly I saw today on facebook (not any of my friends but people part of a NObama group) say that it doesn't matter that Obama was elected because he will be assassinated anyway. That's not the kind of country I want to be part of. Hatred is not the answer to solving any problem; diplomacy, compromise, and a desire to do something for the greater good is what will make this world a better place. The fight for presidency is over and now it is time for us to unite and rebuild our county!

I truly enjoyed Obama's acceptance speech last night and it was clear he is poised and preparing himself for the hard road ahead of him and our country in terms of our economy, the Iraq war, and our foreign affairs. I think this quote from last night's speech sums it up.

"It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be, the United States of America."

My Political Endorsement

Yesterday, I attended an Obama rally at Widener University. The weather was frigid and wet. I stood outside for almost 4 hours in order to hear, see, and support the man I hope becomes our country's next president.

A number of political and local leaders spoke before Obama took the stage. Shortly before 10am I could see security staff take the rooftops of nearby buildings. He was about to appear before the crowd. The mounting anticipation was palpable. Even though my body was cold, tired, and shivering I was excited and energized. The music swelled and people started cheering. Off to my right, Barack emerged through the crowd, shaking hands and smiling. I was taken off guard because suddenly I could not breathe and a lump formed in my throat.

The whole scene was truly awe inspiring - thousands of people standing in the 40 degree pouring rain to see this man who hopefully will bring the change our country needs. Our university's president told me later that he saw an older African-American man who was blind standing in the rain, with a smile on his face, listening to the words of Obama and said that he never thought that this day would arrive.

I tried to hear every word he said, but now as I think back I cannot honestly recall a single phrase but I can remember the feeling, the excitement, the momentum. All I hope will carry him to the White House next Tuesday. Our country is ready for change and yesterday that answer was blowing in the wind.

The Perfect Disguise

So, Halloween is probably my favorite of all holidays or at least a close second. Sure, the usual favorite - aka Christmas - is all about giving and being with loved ones which hopefully makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but creating that feeling can be stressful e.g. figuring out what to get everyone for gifts, coming up with money for said gifts, baking goodies, decorating the house, hosting a holiday party. However, Halloween you get to pretend to be someone else, threaten to make someone smell your feet if they don't give you candy, and revel in giving people a good scare.

This year Jake and I have been trying to figure out what/who we should dress up as for Halloween. I have to say that being coupled can make this endeavor much more fun but maybe a little more difficult. I was searching the web for ideas and came across a website (and many more like it) with a special section of "sexy" costumes. These sexy costumes included things like sexy army cadet, sexy bull fighter, sexy Christmas elf, sexy cuddly lion, sexy Dorothy (as in Oz), sexy Eskimo, sexy fire woman, sexy head nurse, sexy honey bee, sexy Indian princess (also comes in pink), sexy missy claus, sexy referee...and this list goes on and on and on. So pretty much put sexy in front of anything and voila! you have your Halloween costume. So original.

Yeah I've heard that Halloween is every woman's excuse to dress like a slut but I don't feel the need this year to take that opportunity and I really haven't in years past. I like making people laugh, wonder who it is underneath that costume, or actually have to think about what the costume means. So this year we've decided it's going to be Hans and Franz and I definitely plan on annoying the heck out of everyone by talking in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice the entire night. We will pump *clap clap* you up!!

home. sweet. home?

This weekend I flew down to Florida to see a long time friend who is battling some really difficult self-induced health issues. I thought it might be the last time I would ever see him but fortunately when I left I had this unshakable feeling that it would definitely NOT be the last time and he still has a lot of life left that he wants to live out.

So that heart wrenching story aside, I was out in the middle of Florida - what a place!? I felt very out of my element...random little houses, trees covered in Spanish moss, a few alligators lurking around out there (I know they were there, even though I didn't see any), and lots of pick-up trucks with over sized wheels and McCain/Palin bumper stickers driving around. Very, very strange. It was a little like home only everyone's necks were a darker shade of red, hell that state is probably a little bit darker shade of red than Nodak.

home? where is home? I still call North Dakota home but in many ways it's not. Sure my family and many close friends still live there and there are plenty of things I miss like the open prairie and Old Dutch dill pickle chips but I have found that I have become accustomed to the way of life on the east coast. As my 11 am flight crossed NJ into Philadelphia and I could see that lovely skyline (framed in smoggy haze of course) I felt glad to be home. Even as the words crossed my mind, I could feel my heart question the thought. This is home? A place where people add an S to the word "you" because they think you is only singular and can't say a long A to save their lives. It's hard to be stuck between who I used to be and who I want to be and where that person should live. Home is, as they say, where the heart is. I'm not sure my heart is really here or there but it sure felt nice to feel the dirty Philly concrete beneath my feet.

Rummaging

So today I put some junk out for others to rummage through and offer me money in return for my used goods. First off, people are amazingly strange creatures. I mean it seems odd enough to put your personal belongings out a patch of sidewalk and let others rifle through and sort of see who you are and then decide if they like what there is or not. Then there are the crazies that try to dismantle and explore everything on display. This bizarre looking lady with a mullet type hairdo began opening the packaging of this bonzai box and picked up two shirts and asked their price. Jake says "A dollar each," she says "a dollar for both?" and he said "no, two dollars. Each a dollar." and then she puts them down and leaves. Then some people were just plain insulting. I had this somewhat hideous goldish puffy jacket with a fur lined hood out for sale. This lady tried it on, I told her how much it was, she says "oh, the sleeves are too short [which they weren't] and then says and it's for my daughter, but she's not this big. I think my glare said enough to her that she took off the jacket and left. Whatever I guess, I got rid of some junk, made $32, and got to spend a beautiful afternoon sitting outside with some friends watching some pretty odd people. classic.

The "In" Crowd.

So as I procrastinate today's work by perusing facebook and many a profile of persons I knew once upon a time but have not spoken to in a minimum of 2 years, I find myself remembering the "in" crowd. This said in group of people is probably existent in your life too or has been prominent at one time or another.

Junior high, well it's a given, and it included those people that somehow detoured the awkwardness of the early teen years and were naturally cool or attractive already (or had money or some other noteworthy characteristic that made them desirable).

In high school, the cliques continued with a vengeance only now it was a little easier to be sure of yourself because even if you maybe weren't in the "in" group you were still in a group, usually a handful of people that were decent in their own right and didn't necessarily believe that "these are the best days of your life."

College was different because there were so many more people, so many more options. However it was clear to me that there were still people who believed they were part of the "in" group and behaved accordingly. Then these people somehow found each other and before I knew it there was this group that believed they were the shit. I have to admit I have often been somehow attached to the outskirts of this group. Usually I knew this person or that and then ended up at the same social functions, finding myself mind-numbingly bored with an "in" crowd conversation. I always felt a sense of not belonging and that those in the group did not approve because I was sarcastic, political, intelligent, and different. (or so I think/thought) It hurt when I felt others that I was probably more able to connect with wouldn't reach out to me because of my so-called association with this group.

It's not the person I was nor will it ever be - I hope. Talking of mindless fodder of how much this bottle of wine costs or "have you seen so and so? she's gotten so fat" and their lack of ability to think critically or relate to anyone different than themselves hardly interests me. They continue to isolate themselves in this "in" group making them appear even more elitist to the outsiders eye. And everyone still wants in because they're rich or attractive or somehow exciting, or maybe it's because the "in" crowd is so good at making a person feel insecure.

And yes, I'm still friends with them on facebook. Even though I don't want "in", maybe I still need to feel I belong. Maybe that's how the "in" group came to be...everyone's insecurities.

The Big D.

No, not depression. Dysthymia - which is depression's younger half sibling.

I went to a therapist last week for the first time. Not because I'm feeling down and out, but because I'm training to be a psychologist and I believe it's important to analyze my own sh*t before I go and attempt analyzing everyone else's schtuff. So everything went smooth and well; it was a little like an interview for a practicum site because we talked about my past placements and school. Then came the awful end when we had to discuss insurance. (which I equate to the devil and anyone dealing with insurance deals in the devil's work! sorry I digress) Ok, so she has to give me a diagnosis so that insurance will pay up. Although I appear to be well adjusted and in no dire crisis she says simply I can choose something like dysthymia or GAD *for all you non-psych types that's generalized anxiety disorder* whichever I prefer because she does not think that diagnosis, especially DSM diagnosis, is that relevant but alas that is a whole other topic in and of itself. So she asks me simply, "are you more depressive or anxious?" and I automatically said depressed. And now, I am feeling a little more sad. Sad that summer is over and I basically have nothing to show for it, and sad that home seems so far away. So I guess it's a good thing I'm in therapy because now I've gotta treat this dysthymia that I didn't know I had.

the question of the day.

so today that coworker who always asks me brilliant questions about the world answered my question of "have you seen any faxes on the desk?" with his own question

What do faxes look like?



seriously. this child must have been raised by wolves.

Potpourri

First of all potpourri is my favorite trivia category on Jeopardy!
Secondly, I'm bored at work and have a lot of ramblings going on in my mind...mostly I'm annoyed right now with all sorts of things so let's make a potpourri list of them.
yay.

#1) Super duper freckly people, like the ones that definitely know they should not attempt tanning because they just turn into one. big. FRECKLE. ick! a smattering of freckles across the cheeks/nose = cute. So many freckles that you kind of look like you have a tan but at closer examination it's clear that they are just freckles = skin cancer which could in turn = death and death = not cool or cute.

Ok #2)
headaches. I have had one pretty much all day even with the ibuprof I took. boo. I probably have a tumah (arnold style)

#3) People with selective hearing or attentional problems. I hate repeating myself over and over and over and over AGAIN. I feel like I'm turning into a crazy mute person and people can't hear a damn thing I'm saying. What? What'd you say? AAAAGH!!

#4) Ultra competitive people who bring out the ugly competitive beast in me. Yes, all humans have some level of competitiveness in them but does every single damn thing in life need to turn into "I'm better than you" debate. The worst is when I forget that I'm talking to one of these said competitors and suddenly I find myself fearing for my life or my ownership of what I was talking to them about...like a job or whatever. seriously.

#5) Ex lovers or friends who can't let the past go. sure you hated my guts 5 years ago after I shat all over your heart (or vice versa) but it's in the past now and we're adults so get over yourself and just accept my friend request on Facebook for crying out loud!

No Stupid Questions?

So in the last week I have endured many a question in the office where I work.
My coworker, a 19 year old boy, has asked me quite a few things recently that have really boggled my mind. I might have to get a new job or a teaching degree.

1. What is tofu? What does it look like?
2. What does "being green" mean?
3. How could something be below sea level? What is sea level?
4. What makes the tides? It's so crazy!
5. Is that your wedding band?
6. What is HTML? Is that like hotmail?

nataliedee.com

Mmmmmm Pop!

So I have tried to be a hoighty toighty I don't listen to pop music anymore because it is below my maturity level and I just have better taste than that kind of person...BUT I have to admit that after I look both ways, I proceed to crank up the radio when the new New Kids On The Block song "Summertime" or Jesse McCartney's "Leavin'" comes on.
What gives?
Am I just a closet boy band lover?
A teenage girl trapped in a 20-something's body?
The truth of the matter is I don't know how discriminatory I have been with my music tastes. I was just trying to be cool by acting like I was beyond bubblegum music. Thing is, the music I like is music that sounds good (to me) or is a song that can make you smile and dance while sitting in the driver's seat of your car. Its required that every summer has a few anthem songs and it might just be throwbacks to mixed tape/cd days, but I like having a set of songs that take me back to another time, another season. So I may not be delving into a full on pop music love affair, but I have definitely found some songs for my Summer '08.

THE List

Ok so yesterday the hubby and I went to a matinee - saw Wanted - Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman, and ohlala James McAvoy. The movie was entertaining and partly because I find James very attractive (so is Angelina but I dislike her and yet find her incredibly mesmerizing).

I have a running tab of actors on THE List. To steal from an episode of Friends - The One with Frank Jr. Season 3 episode 5 (courtesy of Wikipedia) Ross is challenged to name the five celebrities he'd like to sleep with most...he decides to remove Isabella Rossellini from the list and then laminates said list right before he meets her at Central Perk.

Anyway I have a list of actors/celebs that I would like to sleep with most (which will never happen but a girl has to have a fantasy or two). I don't know if Jake has a list, but to keep up with my adolescent past when I used to actually buy things like Tiger Beat and put pictures on my walls/inside of my locker, I have a list.

THE List (in no particular order)
1.Mark Wahlberg
2.Christian Bale
3.Daniel Craig
4.James McAvoy
5.Gerard Butler

If my supervisor, only. had a. brain.

So today I was unhired from a job. I say unhired because technically I was not fired. A job was given to me under false pretenses. For the past year I have been a practicum student and my supervisor offered me the chance to stay on doing fee for service work during the summer. I assumed (since he was the supervisor offering me the job) that he would know what qualifications I would need to have in order to do the job. Let me rephrase that, he did know but he seemed to forget that I only have a Bachelor's degree, not a Master's. I mean he has spent that last year signing his name under my name on every piece of paperwork I have turned in. and after my last name is....MY DEGREE. in BIG. CAPITAL. LETTERS. B.S.

I am trying to see the silver lining...there are some things such as less stress and less commuting. Luckily for me my other job has pulled through because my supervisor there, as neurotic as she can be, has a brain.

one year anniversary.

So I have been married to probably one of the greatest people I know for a year. it amazes me how quickly a year can go by, but in that one year we have come a long way. While celebrating over sushi last night (yum!) Jake says to me, "we've grown so much in the last year, maybe in another 50 we'll have this down perfect." (and I'm smiling now just thinking about him and how he said that) I'm not worried about being perfect, I just want to be happy and with him that's what I am.

the narcissistic visitor.

so I currently reside 2,000 miles from my hometown. I basically get to see my family and close friends from home on average twice a year. not to get narcissistic but when I come home I expect people to make time for me. I take time out of my schedule and money out of my wallet to fly home and visit. I realize that people have lives, jobs, and laundry that don't magically stop or do themselves when I come into town but really?

Stop cleaning or whatever it is you're doing and hang out with me.

Don't wait until the day before I leave to cram in some quality time with me.

I really hate that but I guess what I hate more is when there is no effort to spend any time with me at all.

the temperamental runner.

since the 5k race I ran on the 17th I have run twice and I am very dissatisfied with myself. without access to a treadmil while I am home I have been left to brave the great outdoors. and while I do enjoy running outside I have found that I am quite picky about my weather and road specifications for a good run. It has been ungodly windy here on the prairies (imagine that) and I DESPISE running into 50 mph wind gusts. yes, I know that wind could give me a better workout but was that what I was looking for? no. I just wanted to run dammit! So it's windy, then it's windy and rainy, and now today the wind is not quite so bad but it's this bone chilling wind from the north. and I was so excited to run at home because the terrain is much more flat than compared to where I live out in PA. Again hills are great for the workout but sometimes I just want to go for an easy relaxing run not a quadriceps are on fire and are about to burn holes in my pants can't walk for the next 2 days run. So what is a novice runner to do? I really want to start sucking it up and be a devoted rain or shine kind of runner but I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me there.

Family.

So as I have ventured back into my homeland of the upper midwest, I have been thinking quite a bit about family. I have a fairly strong loyalty to my family and am always surprised to hear tales of families that have members that have cut all ties. To me it has been comforting to know that no matter what, my family is going to be there for me. I haven't tested the limits of that rule but deep down I think that is true of me and my family. It has only been my family, with the exception of my husband and a few of my closest friends, that I feel can really understand the all-encompassing-me because they lived through the moments or have been the people that have shaped who I am.

I truly enjoy my extended family and I had the pleasure of seeing two of my cousins and my aunt and uncle this past weekend. Extended family, like old friends, are easy to reconnect with even if it has been months, maybe years since you've seen one another. There are always stories that are told every visit about the weird cousin who has a speech impediment and strokes people earlobes. Tales about a grandparent, aunt or uncle, parent, or cousin that I hadn't heard before are gems that are sometimes unearthed in these visits. But mostly I just enjoy laughing about the moments we retell and relive, like red mickey mouse sweatshirts with matching sweatpants.

I'm not sure if it's the DNA or the history we share or perhaps both that makes this link seem especially special but I think it is one that for those of us who are lucky to have family and have good relationships with our family members take for granted at times. While I am home for now I try my best to live in the moment appreciate what has been given me :)

Procrastination

first a definition from everyone's favorite, Wikipedia :)

Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision.

For an individual, procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of personal productivity, the creation of crisis and the disapproval of others for not fulfilling one's responsibilities or commitments. These combined feelings can promote further procrastination. While it is normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder.

procrastination (uncountable)

The act of postponing, delaying or putting off, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.

Procrastination is the thief of time. — anon.

So either I have some underlying psychological/physiological problem or I'm just plain lazy. I think it's the latter...I'll be the first to admit that a good portion of the time I'm pretty lazy. I've gotten better about starting projects early on and not leaving things until the last minute but I do like to drag my feet from time to time. Now most likely people that have worked with me in an employment setting or even at school probably don't think I'm lazy because I usually pull through AND I'm really good at looking busy :) Like cleaning the apartment instead of writing the last page of that paper or organizing the desk drawers instead of typing up a report. I find that in order to do a complicated or time consuming task I like to warm up with a mindless one. This may delay me in completing the initial and more important task but cleaning up or organizing first makes me feel accomplished and more capable of successfully completing the task I originally set out to do. Ok maybe I do I have an underlying psychological problem....

Now Presenting: Leah McKnight

My Newest Niece : ) Born April 18th 2008, 6lb 9oz.

Just doin' my Civic Duty!

So I voted today in the much anticipated Pennsylvania primary. It was a tough decision for me but I definitely felt good leaving the voting booth today, like I made a difference...which could just be a delusion of reference. Either way I'm glad that I could contribute by performing this civic duty.

However, I want to know why it's important that Heidi Montag, a faux-lebrity, endorsed John McCain. First off she's not important, secondly she's definitely not someone I would weigh my opinion too heavily upon. I'm not all into the whole Hills Lauren vs. Heidi dual and I'm a bit ashamed that I am even aware that exists. Keep it on MTV people!! I mean I have my own guilty pleasures such as Rob and Big, any Real World, or now Viva Hollywood (which I realize is on VH1) BUT I don't need these reality stars on my CNN or morning news show, because I'm sorry but you're not news. I was watching the news the other morning and was so excited to find out that Heidi Montag just started her own clothing line called sluts-r-us er I mean Heidiwood, the perfect clothing for any 15-21 year old female! Then she endorses McCain but isn't a registered voter. Yes, I would be embarrassed if she was supporting any candidate I was intending to vote for.

So anyway, get out and vote people. and hug a tree - it's earth day.

The Mythical Summer

The Mythical Summer

When spring arrives in all its wonderfulness, I begin to dream about summer. I am still weighed down by the shackles of academia and long for the freedom that I associate with summer. I found myself daydreaming the other day while driving with the windows down and bobbing my head to Mungo Jerry's "In the Summertime". I was imagining a pristine summer filled with road trips to the beach, relaxing by the pool with a margarita in hand, and just a general sense of bliss. Then I made the sad realization that I have these same daydreams every spring when the weather begins to turn warm and that these dreams rarely even come close to coming true. My summers tend to be filled with overworking (last summer was spent partially unemployed which limited all my activities because of a lack of funds leading to a slight depression) and the dreaded sweating-while-sitting-still problem. But I have to look forward to this summer because it will truly be my last summer of freedom. Next summer I take comps exams and then begin my 3 day a week internship in July. I will officially become an adult who no longer has the summers off. *tear* And even if this mythical summer does not truly exist for me or most others, it shall always be my Unicorn. Something that brings me happiness just simply thinking about and I will continue wanting to chase after it in hopes of eventually finding it someday.

Case of the Mondays

Okay to best summarize the weekend and my glorious Monday I have decided to simply list my current loves.likes.hates.

LOVE
son of rambow. spring weather. sleeping with a fan on. viva hollywood. being oh-so close to the end of the semester. Jake. celeb spotting in philly. running. grilled corn. target. playing the music really loud in the apartment with all the windows open (don't worry it was in the afternoon). walking through the city on a warm day and sitting in the park people watching.

LIKE
music festivals in media. my insurance covers chiropractor visits WITH a referral. working with the window open. my supervisor coming in late today. apricot beer. ambre becoming bret michaels' new rock of love. watching hipsters. seeing our middle-aged neighbors across the way stand on their patio bottomless.

HATE
seeing our middle-aged neighbors across the way stand on their patio bottomless (hello instant entertainment but hello sagging, hairy, and blindingly white body parts we'd rather NOT see) inebriated and belligerent Jake.eating too many points. falling down the stairs a week ago which has rendered me unable to run until I can see a chiropractor. red-headed step child who will not stop bothering me at practicum. ALWAYS being one report behind in my writing. being the crazy dramatic couple that i fear my classmates are beginning to hate. bills.

Frosted Flakes...or Flake.

OK apparently I have an addictive personality because I just want to blog all day now instead of work. I just quickly need to blog this because it was TOO much. The coworker I mentioned this morning who truly annoys me has now stopped in my office today twice to have these bizarre conversations with himself. I'm hardly involved. The first time he came in here reciting something from some movie or god knows what. Second time he enters with a bowl of frosted flakes offers me some and then in a weird commercial spokesperson voice says "The taste adults have grown to love. They're G-R-R-R-R-R-E-A-T!" so bizarre. then I say how I'm looking to buy tickets to this movie, "Son of Rambow" playing at the film fest tonight.

He says "Son of Rainbow"
I say, "No, Son of RAM-BO"
he says "Son of Rambo?"
I say "Yes, Son of RAMBO"
he says "That's a movie? Son of Rambo? Like Rambo?"
and then my head explodes.

Random Morning Thoughts

Okay so my mind was working overtime this morning and these are some random, perhaps a little odd thoughts that crossed my mind while on the train and walking to my "job" aka practicum.

1. Ugh! I'm so thirsty!! Why do plastic/nalgene bottles have to leach chemicals into the water so now I'm afraid to use them???

2. Am I starting to dress like...an old lady? I feel like an old lady! I'm wearing leopard print-peep toe shoes, dark denim, and a brown turtleneck with short sleeves and a keyhole back. very clearly I resemble an old woman. Maybe it's my hair and the earrings. not sure but I feel like I look alot older than I am. Must find extra $500 to do a little wardrobe update...once I finally reach my goal weight, whenever that will be. I probably will be an old lady then.

3. Wow, who farted (on the train)?

4. Where should we eat tonight? Tria?

5. Mmmm new Ryan Reynolds movie...must see. Ahh! Smart People, really want to see that too. BUT there's the film festival going on and I really want to see the film about 2 boys who make a movie out of their love for Rambo.

6. Who farted...again???

7. I hate fridays just because I hate going to practicum. why lord, why?

8. I'm scared to travel on SEPTA at night now because of like 3 attacks on train platforms in the city...maybe we shouldn't go to a movie in the city tonight.

9. Too many people running through Suburban Station (my train stop). everyone milling about makes me think of an ant pile.

10. girl wearing weird stirrup tights. flashback to 3rd grade and stirrup pants. hideous.

11. still think I look like an old lady.

12. Could I ever be a city dweller? people are so freakin' loud here!!

13. hate elevators. always weird people on elevators. got on an elevator that apparently does not want to move. got off elevator. now on elevator with half attractive man with bicycle. made a little small talk. awkward. yuck. his bike is like all rusted out. is it my floor yet?

14. In little deli shop on 14th floor...caffeine!! Tried to kick my diet soda habit but have not completely rid myself of this addiction. Diet Mt. Dew I LOVE you! and a water. and a sugar free pudding for later.

15. back in elevator dreading reaching the 17th floor. ugh I hate sweating. I really hate it, especially when my upper lip & hairline start getting dewey. yuck! sweating when exercising, fine. sweating when just standing around? no. not ok. sometimes I do miss that cold NoDak weather.

16. WTF? Door to get into my office locked. ring the doorbell. 2 clients standing with me. awkward AGAIN. great...person who annoys me most at this place opens the door. GOOD MORNING!

17. Is today over yet?

first REAL day of spring!

So it is abso-freakin-lutely GORGEOUS outside. A sunny 70 degree day with little breeze. The grass is green, the flowers have popped, and the cherry blossoms are blooming. And here I am, stuck in an office...not quite as terrible as a cubicle but all the same I have no window in sight :( Just adding to my general gloom and doom outlook for the week. I have started feeling extremely burnt out from school, work, and practicum. Luckily there is roughly 21 days of until school is over and another 2 weeks after that I'll be done with practicum. THANK JESUS! Then home to the prairies to meet my new niece or nephew...can't wait. I feel badly for the hubby because he's been really homesick this past week, I think missing his guy friends a lot. Both of us have been reminiscing over our college days - although they're not very far away all the people we became close to then are. I was always somewhat skeptical when my mother said you will make lifelong friendships at college but darn it, she was right :) Not to say that I haven't made friends here but it's just different, a different time in life.

I work with undergraduates through my work study position and sometimes I am so surprised at their questions...like, uh duuuuh, you don't know that or you don't know how to at least figure it out on your own?? Ever heard of Google?! I wonder if I was as wide-eyed and green as some of these kiddies seem to be. It's funny because sometimes I can easily relate to them simply due to closeness in age but then other times I feel as though there is a huge canyon of experience between us. which there is. wow. profound. when I'm 80 I hope I still feel just as young but 100 times wiser :)

Speaking up...sort of.

For a good portion of my life I have always felt it easy to connect and be friends with males. There weren't that many around in my hometown of 250 people, graduating class 10 BUT guys have always seemed attractive in the sense of no drama, no frills kind of friendship. I went to college had a wide array of guy friends who truly were just friends, brothers if you will. I met my now husband and all of his buddies adopted me. He was in a fraternity and since I stayed there quite often many of them began to think of me as one of the guys. Granted this had it's positives and negatives. It was nice to have this sort of platonic/fun relationship that required a lot less work than most of my close female relationships BUT then sometimes I found myself being annoyed about feeling invisible, asexual, and subject to some chauvinistic comments that I rarely showed my upset over.

So fast forward a few years, I'm in graduate school in a helping profession and again I'm not surrounded by many males. However, a few of the guys in my class who of course became my instant friends have said some of the most misogynistic things I have ever heard. Yet I stand by with my mouth closed. I might roll my eyes or make a classic scoff at them but never really voice how their words hurt me. I'm not sure if they watched too many episodes of the Pick Up Artist on VH1 and they think "negs" (put down comments that help draw in a female) are cool or if they really think talking to or about a woman that way is okay. I would have to say most of my interactions with them involves some sort of "I'm-higher-up-slash-better-than-you-in-every-sense-of-the-word-and-I-should-be-worshipped" For example, if they are talking and I were to interject something I would get a "excuse me, the adults are talking" Like really?! What the F does that mean? I also get to hear the tawdry commentary about other females. Both seem to have an affinity for extremely thin, barely legal girls and I get very tired of hearing them talk about women like cars or cuts of meat.

What's worse is I begin to wonder why am I supposedly friends with these people who make me feel lesser than myself and what that says about me, a self-described liberal woman? I always end up biting my tongue and then bitch about it later and threaten to either punch both of them in the face or kick them where it hurts. So passive aggressive of me!!! Thought: Am I being a woman that they think I should be (quiet & subservient)?? But really, what good would a kick, punch, or sharp tongue teach them? Would that just make me (in their eyes) to be some feminist man-hating bitch who's opinion they would ignore anyway? Only one way to find out I guess...where can I get a sexy yet practical pair of pointy heels or boxing gloves?

Got a First Timer Here

So here I am, a once avid journal-er who started writing down my thoughts, dreams, desires at age 6 when I got my first Little Twin Star diary. Unfortunately I fell out of that habit but have been wanting to return to that cathartic pleasure I found in writing down my thoughts and opinions on life. Take my words for what you will (if anyone will even read this) :)